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There’s a friend I’ve had since college, and for years we kept in touch annually. We weren’t close friends, but over the decades we acquired the tenure of longtime ones. For much of our history, there was a once-a-year phone call to catch up, plus the obligatory seasonal greetings—which, at some point, suddenly stopped.

I didn’t think anything of the cards stopping because holiday cards have fallen off generally. So, a few years ago when I was passing through Los Angeles (where she lives), I reached out and visited with her and her son. We had a nice catchup over coffee, and I was on my way.

Later, I tried for my annual reach out via email, and didn’t hear back from her. I tried sending snail mail and still nothing. This year, for the season’s greetings cards, I included another letter and didn’t hear back. I assume, without knowing for sure, that maybe I did something to offend her.

If I did something wrong, I’ll never know. And truly, at this point it doesn’t matter. We served a purpose for each other at a time when it made sense, and now it doesn’t, so best wishes and moving on.

A past version of me might have obsessed about the situation, but now I’m viewing friendship through enlightened eyes. Here is what I’ve learned about friends—with the added bonus of how to be a better friend, too.

1. Recognize the friendship status: We forge friendships for various reasons: common interests, proximity, natural chemistry, and shared life experiences. Friends also fall into different levels, from acquaintances to close and lifelong connections.

2. Understand your friendship style: Introverts find their energy in small groups and need more time alone, while extroverts draw energy from being around people often. Your personality type will impact how you make friends, and perhaps even how many you have, but there is no right number except what feels right for you.

3. Keep in mind that friendships change: Our needs and those of our friends are always changing and recognizing that helps us navigate the ebb and flow of friendships.  

4. Focus on what you bring to your friendship: There are friends that come so easily we nearly take the bonds for granted. But other friendships require more time or effort. As you form friendships, keep in mind that your investment is a gift. Decide how much you’ll commit even if you feel it isn’t equally shared. Sometimes, what you give determines your level of growth.

We are all social beings that benefit from some connections. Many ties might not be the deep ones we often crave, but simply getting out with others can help you feel like part of something secure. As I age, I realize that relationships need not be deep or long-lasting to be beneficial. It can be easy to look out and compare your relationships to others but remember that friendships vary from person to person.

My college friend has moved on, investing her energy in the relationships that matter most to her. I’m at peace now because I understand our lives change. I’m glad we were friends in the past. And, going forward, I’ll reflect and consider how to be a better friend to those in my life right now.

Sherry is the founder of Storied Gifts a personal publishing service of family and company histories. She and her team help clients curate and craft their stories into books. When not writing or interviewing, Sherry spends loads of time with her grandchildren and lives in Des Moines, Iowa.

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The shop is a mother and daughter venture for Sherry and Alexandra Borzo of Content In Motion. They both work to help their client's stories sing. The shop is their effort to inspire a focus on healthy minds for everyone through positive thought.

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