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I help people piece together their family memories and share them with those who matter the most. These projects turn into books that can take time to write and produce, as they cover a large collection of family events and milestones of togetherness.

 I’ve long thought about the irony of this work capturing family stories, in relation to my own family history. My family stories of childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood include brokenness, of relationships expected to be close, but that fell apart.

 I’ve learned some universal truths about families in the years of listening to others. There are always stories of joy, stories of triumph, and naturally stories of sorrow. And even if the details vary, the feelings are relatable for us all. But one kind of story which doesn’t get much light – is the one about family estrangements.

I’m thinking of the broken ties beyond those of dissolved marriages, which are certainly plenty painful. The stories I’m referencing are those splits that occur between one sibling from another, or an adult parent from a grown child, or the disconnect of extended family such as grandparents and cousins.

 I know personally that broken families exist, and many families have the skeletons of dysfunctional and damaged relationships in their history. In the book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, sociologist and author Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. sites that “25% of people live with some kind of family estrangement.”

However, in my experience of hearing family stories, fractured relationships do not come up often. And I think I know why: our stories of separation from family are not just painful, they are also deeply revealing.

Family estrangement highlights the unpleasant qualities within families such as resentment, competition, and other long-held conflicts. Family brokenness is the personal “dirty laundry” people don’t like to air.

I live with the remnants of estrangement from my genetic mother. And now that I’m 60, and she is nearly 80, I accept it will likely remain that way.

But along my journey of brokenness and through the many stories of my clients, I’ve picked up some thoughts and lessons I’d like to share with you. Fractured families are difficult stories – but opening up about them, and digging deeply into how you feel, can help you heal and deal with the challenge.

Severed Relationships, You’re Not Alone

Recently, my book club discussed The Foundling: The True Story of a Kidnapping, a Family Secret, and My Search for the Real Me, by Paul Fronczak. One of the themes of Paul’s story delved into the alienation he felt with his adoptive family (a detail he would only discover later). The situation evolved into estrangement once a family secret was revealed, and his true identity was discovered. It’s a good read which I recommend.

As we talked about the book, I was surprised to learn how many people in our small set could relate to the story of fractured families. I realized immediately that while we’ve adjusted to the pain of divorce in marriages there is something uniquely distressing about separation from parents, siblings, and extended family.  

We’ve all likely heard or experienced some of the events that cause riffs in family. Long-held issues of disagreement between siblings, a parent who can’t accept the lifestyle of an adult child, and the notorious fallout from dealings of inheritance are all common factors that lead to estrangement.

The True Damage of Brokenness

In the heat of a pivotal last-straw moment, the immediate cathartic response to an ongoing war with a family member may be to break off all contact. However, it turns out that the decision to split comes at a cost that ripples into the future of everyone, those involved in the conflict and those who are not directly.  

I’m reminded of the classic scene from the movie Avalon when the one brother, who always keeps the family waiting for Thanksgiving dinner, comes to the annual event late as usual. Once he realizes they’ve cut the turkey without him, he explodes. ‘You cut the turkey!?’ He was not important enough to wait for, and he decrees that he’ll never return.  

The estrangement plays out in the rest of the film by changing the dynamics of the once quite close family to a more modern and disconnected one. Where in the beginning the aunts, uncles, and cousins lived close together and counted on one another, in the decades the members disperse and lose their traditions, their contact.

The movie embodies a cautionary tale about the fragility of family and our inherent belief in its importance. We count on that unit to establish our sense of self and our understanding of the world.

The family is the microcosm where we learn to forge relationships. When the core group of people with whom we share blood and history is not solid, the impact spills over into our connections with the larger human family.

The knee-jerk response to fractured families is alarm because it disrupts our primal understanding of what family means. Without our tribe we are exposed and unprotected in the world, we may feel like sheep waiting for wolves to lurch in.  

How to Cope with Family Estrangement

Family misunderstandings and misdeeds can lead to serious disagreements, hurt feelings, and both physical and emotional separation. In the fray it’s easy to remain steadfast, thinking that disconnection is the only solution. But time and perspective can help dilute the impact of the old story to replace it with a new more reasoned one.

Here are some important things to consider if you’re dealing with brokenness in your family, how to mitigate it, and how to deal with what you can’t control.

1. Address and seek mediation right away if you can. I can’t tell you the number of times I wish I’d had an impartial person to help me navigate through emotional turbulence. When the sh*t hits the fan and you’re at an impasse with your feelings, talk it through with a professional.

If you accept that in an emotionally charged state you might not be thinking clearly, it makes sense to bounce off your feelings (which are yours and legit) with an objective source. Come up with a reasoned plan to deal with the issue as soon into a conflict as you can. These days we have more options than ever to find support with online talk therapy services.

2. Take time to reflect because it’s likely you’ll change. How many times have you believed the ideas you think, the circumstances you live in, and the person you are is resolute and will not change? Of course, we understand that we’re always changing – but we don’t usually consider our future self in the choices we make today. The most impermanent thing is who we are right now, so It’s okay to establish a vacation from someone without being rash and separating permanently.

3. Rephrase the story. In the short-term a self-righteous sense of being right and being the victim in a story may feel like justice. But there is often more meaning to a story than the one we may keep repeating in our head.

Can you ponder alternative rationales for the behaviors of others? Is there a broader view of the story that would serve you better than remaining bitter?  

If we replay our story of anger and resentment over and over in our mind, it’s easy for the story to stick and not allow for a different perspective. Step back and ask more questions and reflect on other possible versions of the story.

4. We are where we’re at. We each live in a separate bubble of reality. We are limited in our perspective by how our senses take in information and how we process it based on our experiences.

By humbly embracing our humanness, we can step back from the abyss of judging and acknowledge we are each operating based on alternative views of the world. The only thing you can change is your view. Ask more questions. Be curious and open.

 I love Maya Angelou’s quote, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Postscript: When things seem out of control like it feels these days, acting where we have control is a comfort. Cleaning up your stuff is within your power! If you need help getting going on organizing your home check out Get Organized Gal’s courses for support.

I used her course to organize my office, and it is in pretty good shape these days. Success in one space has lead to cleaning channels to other rooms and photos as well. Check out he courses here. 

Sherry is the founder of Storied Gifts a personal publishing service of family and company histories. She and her team help clients curate and craft their stories into books. When not writing or interviewing, Sherry spends loads of time with her grandchildren and lives in Des Moines, Iowa.

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The shop is a mother and daughter venture for Sherry and Alexandra Borzo of Content In Motion. They both work to help their client's stories sing. The shop is their effort to inspire a focus on healthy minds for everyone through positive thought.

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