How To Be A Good Friend And Give Loneliness the Heave-Ho

Friends are advocates for each other’s passions and goals.Photo by Cornelia Steinwender on Unsplash

“Let’s get together for coffee sometime.” Here in Des Moines, that phrase is code for, “We’ll never get together for coffee.” Experience has taught me that the next step to schedule the coffee date almost never happens.

But wait a minute! Perhaps, just maybe, I’VE been the weak link in this transaction. It might just be that what it really takes to cultivate friendship starts with me showing up and focusing on how to be of service to the other person.

To be totally transparent (just in case you didn’t catch it), I’m not too skilled at forming friendships. I’m grateful for the friends I have, but especially at this time of life (over 50), I’ve recognized how vital friendships are to our sense of well-being. And so, as of right now, I mean to make improvements in treasuring the friends I have and forming more quality connections.

As I write these tips and insights based on research and observations, remember that the encouragement applies to us all. If you can relate, if you fear loneliness, or if you feel like you’re missing the mark when it comes to friendships, please read on.

TACKLING MISCONCEPTIONS OF FRIENDSHIP

GROUP FRIENDSHIPS ARE RARE

Apparently, I’m one of the few people who wasn’t a huge fan of the television show “Friends,” but it turns out that, as much as people loved the show, it might have led to popular misguided ideas of what friendship is for most of us.

In fact, it is this ideal of the “Friends” friendship which leads some to think they don’t have friends at all. This is what Science of People author Vanessa Van Edwards speaks to in her article, “Why You Don’t Have A Group of Friends Like Friends.”

If you do have a group of life-long friends, it’s a rare gem that comes from shared interests or experiences and years of cultivating the friendships. (Note the word “cultivating,” because that concept will come back in a moment). When it comes to a group of friends, there is often a core person who helped create the group at its inception, and the others came together and then committed to each other over time to form strong bonds.

NUMBERS DON’T MATTER WHEN IT COMES TO FRIENDSHIPS

Even if we don’t have a group per se, or have a list of dozens of one-off friends, most of us have at least some friends. And we really shouldn’t get caught up in the numbers. There’s a difference between amassing loads of contacts and acquaintances and cultivating rich friendships. We only need a handful of intimate friends, and how many and how those are defined will vary from person to person.

We each need a few people we can speak to candidly and with whom we can be ourselves. The “take-a-bullet-for-you” friendships are rare and infrequent, but intimacy in friendship is fundamental. In the New York Times article “How To Have Closer Friendships And Why You Need Them,” author Emma Pattee quotes Serena Chen, social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkley who says, “A key to close friendship is intimacy, and a big part of intimacy is being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others.”

It turns out that science is another reason we need quality over quantity. We aren’t actually designed to have a massive number of friends. In Time article “You Asked: How Many Friends Do I Need” by Markham Heid, he quotes Dr. Robin Dunbar, evolutionary psychologist at the University of Oxford, who says that 3 to 5 intimate friends are optimal.

Dunbar goes on to explain that our capacity for friendships is numerically limited by the size of our brain in the neocortex region. He devised the calculation known as the Dunbar Number, which quantifies our capacity for connections to between 100 to 200 friendships with 150 being the norm. And mind you, these are people who encompass the sphere of those we “know” including family, close friends, friends, people we work with and acquaintances.  

LONELINESS IS A THOUGHT TRAP

I’ve considered loneliness as something that comes on with aging. However, after a bit of internet research (and personal experience), it turns out that loneliness is common across all ages. Of course, it’s ironic that at a time when we’re more connected than ever via technology, what we really need to cultivate are face-to-face connections with people we feel we can be ourselves around.

In the Atlantic article “How Loneliness Begets Loneliness,” Olga Khazan cites the 2016 Surgeon General report which states, “Americans are facing an epidemic of loneliness and isolation.” It turns out that the sense of loneliness only compounds with more of the same if it goes unaddressed. Once loneliness seeps into someone’s thoughts and becomes entrenched, they may begin to distrust their abilities to trust people and falter even more in their social skills.

Khazan goes on to quote John Cacioppo, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, who has written a book on the subject of loneliness: “Self-preservation depends more on your attention to your outcomes when you’re lonely than when you have lots of connections. Sometimes if you talk to a lonely person, they’ll start talking to you and you can’t get away.”

Sometimes, this sense of loneliness—especially in older people—stems from the loss of close friends and partners. There is the grief of loss magnified by the emptiness of that person who was an intimate connection and a source of purpose.

It’s important to note loneliness when it is present and to work to address it. In the Khazan article, Cacioppo walks through what he calls the EASE plan to help people work their way back into social settings.

Interestingly, the answer to loneliness isn’t in being social in and of itself, but in being purposeful within relationships. When we answer the question of how we can support others we find a path to feeling connected. The focus then is about being needed rather than thinking of oneself as being needy.

However, to get ahead of getting caught in loneliness, it’s important to recognize that we need connection. Let’s explore some tools to help build stronger friendships, which at its most fundamental level is about being a good friend FIRST.

MAKING FRIENDSHIP A HABIT

I circle back to my coffee scenario here and realize that I need to be the one to make that coffee date in the first place.

Several of the articles I’ve mentioned in this post offer great tips for forming friendships and what it takes to be a good friend. Both the Pattee and the Van Edwards articles delve into important steps which include being available (“Yes, let’s pick a date and time that works!”), responsive (answer emails and texts) and consistent (schedule things monthly or on some regular basis with your friends) when making the effort to build connections.

It turns out that friendship is similar to courtship in that we have to do the work to reach out and woo. And when it comes to meeting new people, we have to be ready to go on “mini-dates” with new people to find those we connect with.

In Ginger Johnson’s book “Connectivity Canon,” she provides ideas and exercises to help shift the concept of connection from a “what’s in it for me” to an open-ended “how can I show my curiosity and be of service to this person?”

This is a significant shift in thinking, which takes the load off of self and places it on purpose. I think this way of thinking in terms of friendships also lightens things when bonds don’t form. I recommend Ginger’s book, but you can also catch her on LinkedIn where she offers videos with insights and tips as well.

Writing this post made me realize I don’t tell my friends enough how much I appreciate them, so I just sent texts to several of them. It felt great. And then I went ahead and asked a gal I’ve seen at several events recently to coffee. It turns out that making it a goal to be a good friend will not only enrich your current friendships and lead to more intimate connections but could also be the path to being your best version of yourself.  

JOURNAL PROMPT IDEA:

Journaling can help you flesh out your thoughts about your friends. If your main goal is to be a good friend, think about them and write down ideas to support their passions and projects. With new people, consider how you can start a mutually meaningful relationship and write down those ideas. List five people you’ve met but would like to know better. Make it a point to reach out and invite one of them to coffee this week.

Want a little inspiration armor to keep you motivated? Check out this T.

Alexandra and Sherry, 2016

Sherry is the founder of Storied Gifts a personal publishing service of family and company histories. She and her team help clients curate and craft their stories into books. When not writing or interviewing, Sherry spends loads of time with her grandchildren and lives in Des Moines, Iowa.

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