Making Anger Work For You

How to not get tied up in a knot over anger. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

“Reptilian brain” seems to be the right term for that place where anger originates. It feels just that primordial—a response that’s immediate and seemingly involuntary. Whatever someone else did or said collides with your ego or sense of right and wrong, and two people rise up to engage in a heated exchange.

But then there’s that other type of anger, the festering variety that goes on for a time, or in some cases indefinitely, which almost always remains unsatisfied. This smoldering anger begins with an infraction of some sort but does not result in a confrontation.

Sometimes, this ongoing anger lacks direction—that is, there’s no singular person to point the blame toward. Other times, this seething emotion has someone blameworthy on the other end, but you missed your chance or never even had a face-to-face opportunity. Either way, instead of the anger getting an outlet, it becomes a muzzled but equally vexing feeling.

This muzzled-but-vexed state is the “condition” I confess being a little prone to on certain issues. Instead of an outward show of temper, I maintain an internal dialogue—one where I say EXACTLY the right thing, and always have the opportunity to do so. I speak the truth that cannot be denied, and the “other” party is left quivering in silence due to my rightness. My words land like a saber. I can sense my ire flaring up once again, and for a second I am vindicated.

More often than I’d like to admit, each one of these imaginary scenarios plays back over-and-over again with only subtle variations.

Yet, at the same time, I’m engaged in each hypothetical victory, there’s ANOTHER internal dialogue going on. It’s that shred of higher thought that shouts, “This whole darn thing I’m thinking is ridiculous. Stop it!” And with that, I slam hard against the inevitable wall of shame and exhaustion that accompany what I’ve come to call “silent anger.”

Just like I feel bad about these non-productive emotions and accompanying dialogues, I’m pretty sure many of us have this stuff floating around, too.

As we approach a new year, I’m officially tired of this cycle and want to switch out the “silent anger” for something more beneficial and empowering. If you struggle with a pattern of “silent anger” and are seeking options to counter it, join me here as I explore the overarching causes of anger and the methods to turn it into a useful path to action.

THE DOUBLE EDGE OF ANGER

To begin, I literally searched “How to be less angry” on the internet, and The Atlantic article “The Real Roots of American Rage: The Untold Story of How Anger Became the Dominant Emotion In Our Politics and Personal Lives—and What We Can Do About It” by Charles Duhigg came up.

This fascinating article by Duhigg details a 1977 survey conducted by a psychology professor in a small, easy-going community in Massachusetts. The professor assumed that people would report infrequent episodes of temper and general regret about those incidents. However, the study revealed that anger—and the expression of it in short and purposeful bursts—was far more frequent than anticipated, and often lead to cathartic and constructive results.

The study concluded that moments of expressed anger actually expedite communication—and like no other emotion. When it comes to conveying information, a heightened burst of temper calls the people involved to attention.

Other studies reveal that when someone expresses anger outwardly, others could see that person as more powerful or able to exercise control. Hence, we can see a leader who expresses anger as strong through this powerful emotion we feel as well. A perfect example comes to mind in the famous scene from the 1976 movie Network.

So, it seems that being human comes with the messiness of feeling a wide range of emotions, including anger, and that certain immediate, short-term bursts of temper can even be productive.

However, the expression of anger can go too far, specifically when a person becomes unbalanced and lost (engaged in a kind of “blind rage”). This is anger gone amuck.

We walk a narrow wire attempting to balance this primitive emotion, and what keeps most of us teetering on the rope is the idea of control we hope to achieve.

Control—that thing most of us want but remains elusive—is seldom a state we can attain. I’ve noticed that it’s even the times I attempt control (especially of things over which I have little to no influence) that I work myself up into the greatest sense of worry and stress.

That stress and fear play out as anger, too, particularly that silent variety. Feeling the anger is my attempt to gain control where I have none. But the longer-lasting state of anger does not help create equilibrium, rather it triggers more of the same toxic mood. 

WHAT TO DO TO WITH YOUR ANGRY ENERGY

So, what can we do with the anger that just churns along, zapping energy and leaving us feeling powerless?

Consider the motivations of your information sources: Again, from Atlantic article, Duhigg suggests we look at the sources from where we are receiving information, especially when that information inspires anger or other unpleasantries. Are they providing useful and objective material, or pandering only to elicit fear? Politicians, media, and corporations of all stripes often prefer to trigger our fear and anger, because those emotions capture our attention. In other words, fear and anger sell. These days, with so many angry voices coming at us from all directions, it’s important to be discerning and examine the agenda of the sources that stir our pot in the first place. Don’t be duped by others who want to rile you up. 

Recognize the habit of silent anger: Standing somewhere and thinking about this post, I actually realized I was busy cycling one of THOSE internal “shoulda said” moments when it occurred to me that I’m dealing with a habit. Once I recognized the habit of this thought pattern, I considered how to counter it with another habit, such as picking a soothing thought: “Breathe.”

Turn reaction into action: As “good” as it can be to feel self-righteous about an issue, it won’t make me feel whole in the bigger picture of my life. If you deal with this too, step back and ask yourself, “How can I take action in this situation?” This year, I plan to do less venting on social media and take more actions to support the issues that matter to me. Donate time or money and find events that bring people together for the cause.  

Flip anger into empathy: Anger is a primal human experience of which none of us is exempt. I couldn’t disagree more with my brother on politics, for example, but we both have similar passions for what we feel is important. Even crazier, if we could get past seeing each other as “opposing” one another politically, we might find we could embrace similar solutions. The point is to acknowledge that we all “feel” fear (and often the accompanying anger) the same way.

Acknowledge anger as a feeling and then make the choice to pick up another feeling in its place, such as empathy. 

In the article over at Psychology Today titled “5 Steps to Being A Kinder Person,” author Beverly Flaxington points out that viewing others through the lens of empathy, we stand a better chance of staying grounded in our perspectives.

BONUS SELF-REFLECTION JOURNAL PROMPT

Quiet moments are when I’m prone to having one of those angry conversations with “someone” about some frustration I’m harboring. If you have these thoughts, too, take note in your journal where you are when the incidents usually occur. Then, write down your plan for a replacement thought you’ll switch to once you realize what you’re doing. For me, it will be, “I’m going to take a chill pill and enjoy my shower.” Rinse and repeat as often as you notice yourself starting to focus on anger.

STOP SLAYING AND START SASHAYING

There will always be moments of anger derived from our sense of fear and lack of control. It’s human to lose our temper and communicate assertively at the moment, but for that silent, seething anger, we can help break the cycle of that habit and be all the more productive for it. Be objective, don’t be duped by negative voices, and recognize we are all in this life together.

We don’t need to slay ourselves for our humanity but rather sashay our way into embracing the other thoughts. So long as we recognize our options, we are in a good and grounded headspace!

If you need some ongoing reminders that you are fortunate, check out this t-shirt for good measure!

Alexandra and Sherry, 2016

Sherry is the founder of Storied Gifts a personal publishing service of family and company histories. She and her team help clients curate and craft their stories into books. When not writing or interviewing, Sherry spends loads of time with her grandchildren and lives in Des Moines, Iowa.

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