Pics of Pain--Toss or Keep?

Broken Heart Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

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It was a lovely day. Our daughter looked beautiful in her white dress, made just for her by a childhood friend, culled from her new mother-in-law’s wedding dress (“something old”). We had a celebration the night before under the stars of a summer night with friends, family and all the hopes in the world. There were toasts, happy pictures and an unforgettable video captured our daughter as she sang a lovely song to her groom. We had reason for optimism that day—we liked this new son-in-law, and they seemed happy in their lives together.

Fast forward three years later and we received the tearful and devastating news from our daughter over the phone—her husband had left her. No debate, no discussion, no warning. The news was a shock and a disappointment from what we thought we knew of him.

Of course, we were most concerned about our daughter. Such a heartbreak. I immediately went through FB and deleted every photo. Then I went through the house and pulled the pictures and gathered every photo book. In the grief and anger of the moment I wanted to burn them all. However, it was more than I could bear given my daughter was in all those pictures too, so I stored them away instead.

It’s been two years more and the wounds are mostly healed, and I’m so very proud of my daughter. She took the lemons of a situation and generated a powerful lemonade. She moved on to create a beautiful life and showed resilience in the face of the situation and created her wonderful present. Perhaps, as her mother, I did something right.

Every so often, the box of pictures stored in a closet reminds me of this transition. I’ve decided not to destroy the evidence of the life lesson. After all, it was a lovely happy moment, and she looked beautiful.

Perhaps someday as my daughter continues to grow in strength and wisdom, falls in love, and perhaps even has a child, there will be a day we pull the photos out and reflect on the time. We’ll enjoy how lovely she looked and even think wistfully of how things really worked out for the best.

The images will be there. Of course, they will never be on the mantel or on a wall, but they are markers of an event…and more importantly of the events that transpired afterward, which were so much happier and more exciting.

Update February 2020

I wrote this post nearly two years ago and it came to mind again today as I cleaned my office and came upon those same photobooks, buried in the closet. It’s been five years since the divorce and of course we’ve moved on.

(FYI: I’m using Get Organized Gal’s 7 Days To An Organized Office and it’s really helping. You can check all Get Organized Gal’s courses here. Very affordable and easy to follow.)

As I review my initial thoughts, and the accompanying video, I confess I was still dealing with feelings of bitterness at the time. As much as I talk about accepting change, including the change we don’t ask for, it can still be a hard pill to swallow.

Thankfully, if we’re lucky we do move on, events unfold, and time heals. I’m reminded of a segment from “Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed and the advice of her persona “Dear Sugar,” to someone pondering the issues of becoming a parent.

Sugar describes a poem called “The Blue House,” in which a man looks at his house from a distance and thinks on his life objectively. He sees his life but recognizes that in its wake there were other lives, sister ships he calls them, which he did not choose on his course which lead to his present life.

Our choices and the events that come along change the course of the life we might have lived; toward the life we live instead.

Every step forward is a choice and steers a path that is different than going another way, the way that we had planned. Perhaps we take more exception with the unplanned changes because they dismantle a future that we had envisioned. Of course, we can plan and look forward to the future, but it is still a pipe dream until it is our present.

And even in our nostalgic moments of the past we view it in more of a dream-like state. As we look at the photos of our past, they elicit our memories both good and bad – but these memories can be cloudy, blocking the messiness of the day-to-day of those times.

So, what will I do with these old photo albums now that I’ve glanced through them again, just momentarily? I note that I feel differently now and that is good. The bitterness has moved on and acceptance has taken its place.

Things are as they are and they are fine, better perhaps than this other vision I had for my girl. But she was and is beautiful. I’ll tuck them away again.

Journal prompt: As you peruse old photos or reflect on your past, note how you presently feel about those events, don’t judge them but acknowledge the feelings they elicit and jot them down.

Be objective if those feelings are different than they were the last time you thought of them. Date the list of these feelings and turn the page, confident that those feelings will change yet again, as you do each day.

Sherry and Alexandra Borzo together in Lima, Peru

Sherry is the founder of Storied Gifts a personal publishing service of family and company histories. She and her team help clients curate and craft their stories into books. When not writing or interviewing, Sherry spends loads of time with her grandchildren and lives in Des Moines, Iowa.

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