Stop Stressing About Being Special
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” –Aristotle
I used to think putting myself down when speaking to others was an entertaining and quirky sideshow. It was my way of endearing myself to friends, or of being the funny person in groups (where I tend to be more nervous behind the cloak of self-deprecating humor).
It was my signal of preemptive surrender, as though to say, “No need to look closely here. I don’t think I’m special.”
Years later, a realization about this behavior hit me like an anvil falling from the sky. The schtick wasn’t funny. In fact, it was often exhausting for others who wondered why THEY should spend time with someone who thought so little of herself, or felt obligated to provide a compliment to someone who needed attention (aka, needed to feel special).
More importantly, once it dawned on me that I was speaking from a place of insecurity that everyone else around me was acutely aware of, I realized—ironically—that there was actually nothing special about feeling that way. And, in fact, I began to feel indulgent for letting a sense of inadequacy lead my behavior.
Of course, I wasn’t about to go admonishing myself for feelings of self-doubt, or I would be repeating the cycle. I simply realized there was nothing unusual about feeling that doubt. And really, why should I put the burden on others to deal with my insecurity? With that clarity, I almost immediately stopped running the “I’m nobody” joke because it just wasn’t special after all.
NOTHING SPECIAL HERE
We live in a culture where everything is about self: from self-care, to self-improvement, to building our self-esteem. All this attention to find what makes us special ends up detracting from finding out who we truly are.
In the rush for self-improvement, you might have missed the value in being self-aware. Self-reflection seems sedate in contrast to building one’s self-esteem or treating yourself to self-care. Or worse, self-awareness can be frightening, fraught with the peril of doubt and judgement from none other than yourself.
Self-esteem, self-awareness and self-improvement are all pretty hard to come by if you don’t know who that “self” is to begin with. But defining self can get tricky, riddled with labels we slap on for what we’ve done or where we’ve been. No amount of accomplishments or accolades, however, can overshadow what’s missing when people aren’t in touch with themselves.
In a solid post by Gustavo Razzetti over at The Ladders titled, “Self-appreciation is the Foundation of Life,” he makes the case that self-acceptance doesn’t displace growth and change. It just means you start by knowing your personal strengths and weaknesses and are comfortable in acknowledging them. Razzetti explains, “It’s not about becoming someone different but appreciating who you already are.”
So, while self-esteem—valuing oneself—is important, the BIG adventure is digging in to be self-aware. Nobody has the capacity to know and encourage you as much as you do. Think of yourself as an explorer, the Jacques Cousteau of your personal universe. The work of understanding you is the stake on which your capacity to understand others is built.
THE INTERVIEW FOR INTROSPECTION
Hopefully I’ve established the case that to be self-aware is the foundation for all the other work of “self.” Self-awareness helps you know your worth and, conveniently, is the path to be of value to others.
So, what’s required to recognize what makes you tick? First, quiet. The space where you reflect needs to be clean of outside distractions. In the silence with you there is room for your thoughts and to decipher how those thoughts connect to your actions.
If the fear of silence stops you in your tracks, or you draw a blank as to what comes after you get quiet, you’re not alone. Blank thoughts or distracted thinking often come with being silent. No sweat though, because you can find helpful focus with interview questions via a quick internet search.
For starters, I found an article over at Forge Medium, by Darius Foroux where he offers a list of 20 questions that seem basic enough to get started. Foroux suggests you answer each question immediately and without overthought to learn what your subconscious is telling you.
No stress. Just go with first answers to questions like “What am I good at? What am I bad at? What stresses me out? What makes me happy?” It’s the subconscious thought that sometimes “yells” the loudest in driving our actions and feelings that, without reflection, we may not know exist.
JOURNAL PROMPT
Record your answers in your journal. Reading them in print will permit you to dig deeper and explore. Foroux explains that with the clarity of reviewing your answers later, you can begin to draw a correlation between your behaviors and thoughts.
Foroux suggests you take your answers a step further by asking “why” to yield subsequent answers, too. For example, Foroux explains, “John made me mad. Why? Because he lied. Why? Because he didn’t want me to be upset. Why? Because he cares about me.”
Once you recognize the thoughts, you can determine which ones are harmful versus those that are helpful. And then plan on how to act to change those thoughts that don’t serve you.
YOUR MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP
You are you and that’s an important person to know and understand. In fact, if you don’t know that person, your capacity to be your best is undermined. Self-awareness is the bedrock for the advancement of self. And there is no solace, no contentment in measuring yourself to standards which are not your own.
Improvement is exciting, but you need to evaluate yourself by an honest and objective standard. Self-awareness is the source of that strength.
To strive to be special is to miss the point in the value of your one-and-only human experience. You are you, which is a package all its own. In honoring how you think and act, you pave the path to bringing it all together to be the best you can offer.
Want a little inspiration armor to keep you motivated? Check out this T.
Alexandra and Sherry, 2016
Sherry is the founder of Storied Gifts a personal publishing service of family and company histories. She and her team help clients curate and craft their stories into books. When not writing or interviewing, Sherry spends loads of time with her grandchildren and lives in Des Moines, Iowa.
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