If You Think You Can't Succeed, Think Again, With The Help of Emotional Intelligence
Some emotional eggs. Are they up on their emotional intelligence?
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Do you consider yourself a pretty smart cookie? How would you rate your emotional intelligence, in particular?
It turns out that even if you have an IQ that’s off the charts, if you’re emotional intelligence is under water, you’re likely missing out on a significant way to grow and enjoy more contentment and success.
Per the article “Emotional Intelligence—What Do the Numbers Mean?” People with average scores on traditional intelligence tests tend to outperform those with high IQs by 70% over time due to higher emotional intelligence.
But whether you’re a genius or feel you’re not “the sharpest tool in the toolbox,” take heart! When it comes to emotional intelligence, you’re smarter than you realize—and what’s more, you can improve.
Read on to learn what emotional intelligence is and how to gain more of it by ratcheting up your self-awareness!
Admittedly, sometimes (my spouse would say often) my behaviors are led by my emotions. In a heated moment, I get shrill, defensive, and spout words I later regret.
I could try and blame my mother for this. She had a fiery temper and seemed to function by her emotions in the moment. If she was enraged, everyone knew about it and heard about it, too.
So, I could point to genetics or environment, but however it happened I feel I carried the behavior forward. Thank goodness I’ve aged and mellowed. I wish I’d had more of a handle and some education about emotional intelligence earlier in life.
Answer is never without a reason quote by Benjamin Franklin
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognize your emotions, understand what they’re telling you, and realize how they impact other people around you.
Dr. Daniel Goleman, considered a leader in the field of emotional intelligence, is known for his groundbreaking book “Working with Emotional Intelligence” published in 1998. He has written for many prominent publications regarding the exploration of emotional and social intelligence and is also a TED Talk rock star.
Goleman first read about emotional intelligence in a piece written by authors Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1997. He became so intrigued with the concept that he has made a lifetime’s work developing and helping individuals and companies in emotional intelligence.
Goleman describes five key areas to cultivate a stronger emotional intelligence:
Self-control - understand personal moods and drives
Self-regulation - control or redirect disruptive impulses
Internal motivation - desire to work for intrinsic values beyond money and status
Empathy - ability to understand the emotional makeup of others
Social skills - proficient in managing relationships
HOW IS YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
Over the course of the next several posts, I’ll go into each of these areas of emotional intelligence in more detail and offer up research, resources, and stories to support your effort (and mine) to improve.
Dr. Goleman asserts that everyone can enhance their emotional intelligence. He advocates helping children and starting young, though there are benefits for us all to grow no matter our age.
How can you tell if your emotional intelligence has room for improvement? Goleman suggests that these could be possible flags:
A sense of anxiety much of the time.
Persistent problems in many of your relationships.
You’re hearing “you don’t listen” from others often.
If you’d like to try an interactive test of your emotional intelligence, there is a good one on face recognition over at Greater Good.
In researching my own emotional intelligence I feel certain of my weaknesses, and the test suggests I’m average so there is room to do better. A big weakness I know I exhibit is interrupting, and 2021 is the year I will do better!
EXERCISES FOR IMPROVED SELF-AWARENESS
A thought journal can help you track and gauge your emotions, the triggers behind them, and anything within your ability to change. If you’re trying to maintain a regular or more frequent journaling habit, then journaling about your emotions can be a constant source of ideas.
The difficulty with trying to be introspective in a journal is that emotions can kick objectivity to the wayside. We either rationalize our behaviors or look upon them too harshly.
A more objective approach can help you build up your self-awareness. By taking a clinical view of your behaviors and journaling that process, you can look on your emotions and behaviors with a sense of curiosity. Become your personal scientist studying how interesting your behavior is rather than judging it as good or bad.
The Healthline article “Mood Journal 101: How to Get Started on Controlling Your Emotions” walks through a process from identifying an emotion, what caused it, the actions you took as a result of it, whether your response based on the emotion was appropriate, and whether the trigger should be tolerated or is a problem to solve.
Track your moods in your journal with these steps in mind.
Even if you can’t find answers right away for all the queries into a particular emotion, just tracking them in your journal on a regular basis will allow you to see themes. Over time, you might notice that times of day, particular people or places correspond to specific emotions surfacing more frequently.
Mood journaling is a way to consider your feelings and see them more broadly by writing through a reflection. Here are some prompts to center your focus of self-awareness:
What does my inner critic say? Respond to it as your personal advocate.
The most important thing in my life is
What is really bugging me right now? What is within my control about that thing?
What is one thing you can do to share something positive with someone else?
Identify several things outside of your control.
In a perfect world X would happen. What is within my control to achieve X?
The Mindfulness Practice of yoga or medication is another method to bring you more clarity and intention in your thoughts. Mindfulness is a step-by-step building block of training mind and body to slow and focus. The benefits of self-awareness accumulate with time like building muscle with regular exercise.
Dr. Goleman describes a breathing technique in a recent podcast interview over at Intelligence Squared. We’ve created a guided video version that walks you through it in about 5 minutes.
You see? Super simple! Try it and see if you don’t feel just a smidge calmer afterword. Goleman explains that this breathing practice, if done regularly, can help you center and allay reacting on an emotional level. Resting your brain with meditation and breathing will permit you to recover more quickly in periods of stress.
Ask for the input of others and inquire how they see your strengths and weaknesses. Honestly, of the three activities, I find this one to be the most frightening. You’ve got to have your humble, non-judging, adventurer’s hat on to accept the observations of others. Remember that their perspectives don’t mean they are right, but if you catch a theme in what you’re hearing it might merit some attention.
WHY IMPROVE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
As I said earlier, it pains me to recognize that my emotional intelligence was poor when I was younger. It has improved with time, but at the age of 60 there is still room to grow.
No matter your age, there are good reasons to raise your emotional intelligence quotient, and in particular your self-awareness. With strong emotional intelligence you can present your most authentic self, which will help you work more successfully with others and build rich relationships.
Understanding what makes you tick and how you read and respond to others will open you up to feeling less anxious and more engaged in your life. But self-awareness is a process with no single moment of inspiration—it’s in small moments of taking time to pause, center, and review.
When it comes to reading self-improvement books, I can’t read fast enough to keep up but if I listen to books it is so much easier. Audible. is the way I can enjoy more books than I could manage to read. Plus, you can take in a book while doing other things which just makes you feel super-efficient, or lounge and listen. check out Audible to learn and enjoy books today.
Sherry and Alexandra Borzo together in Lima, Peru
Sherry is the founder of Storied Gifts a personal publishing service of family and company histories. She and her team help clients curate and craft their stories into books. When not writing or interviewing, Sherry spends loads of time with her grandchildren and lives in Des Moines, Iowa.
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